arsenic-butterfly

7 years.

Broken mirrors. But no more bad luck.

The edges have softened and the anger subsided. I am so different now than I used to be. 
I love myself.
I love others.
I forgot how to be vulnerable for a time after my frog was boiled for a while. But I have seen the water around me and I realized I could still breathe. And I self-preserved.

And I survived.

And I promise myself I will Live. I will Love. I will Share. I will Try.

Everything is always as it should be, and if you look close enough, there is always love.

Now that my life has cycled through another year... I feel very blasted away and worn out. A lot has happened, some things more dramatic than others and some sad, but I've kept the best thing I've ever gotten for a whole year almost. I can't wait to see how long I can keep it because it makes me so happy. I've tried to live without it but i've come to find that I cannot.
  I've perfected skills, expanded on them and make some great artistic pieces. I am back in school once more now so I am producing art on a very frequent basis. I have lost my internet access so that is why I haven't posted, but that will change now that I'm in school again! So here we go... another year...

After almost losing the love of my life I have returned to DA... That was something I'd never want. I would never be happy like I am with him if he was not in my life...

I know what I prefer for the degree with which he is in my life, but I have realized that I will take any situation that allows me to keep him. I love him dearly... he is my best friend... my secret keeper... my key holder to my tightly locked heart to which only I keep the other key... my lover... my inspiration... my reason to wake up with zeal... I need him. The meaning of my life is to love... without love surely comes death, either self-inflicted or from the heart's inability to function out of its brokenness.

I have returned... slowly rebuilding my inspiration, yet with much more vitality and color of the sweeping and broad variety.

sorry if my upcoming entries are few and dark; i am having a big internal conflict as of now and am at a loss for material.

I know artists do retrospectives after years to summarize their body of work but I feel that in the last 10 months I have been two or more people and it reflects itself in my art. 10 months ago I found myself where I never thought I would be: I had invested the better part of a year into someone who I thought was happy being with me. All the sudden he decided to tell me that he was only with me because he was lonely at college and needed someone to pass time with. I was just used. He fooled me very well and I can't say that I saw it coming at all. But it's not important any longer. What is is what happened after: I never cried about it. I met someone cool the very next day who was in my life for only a week, but was able to make a bond with me and show me that life goes on.
Later, after that week, I became angry as my premier DA watchers know. I was filled with hate and constant darkness and ire. It happened after a second betrayal of the person who lied to me 10 months ago so it is my own damn fault, which made me more angry about it. I swore off men and did allow myself to cry, just once. I filled my loneliness with the wrong kind of things like alcohol and cigarettes and a job at the bar where every man and his brother tried to get my number. My surroundings were also dark and shady. My whole life was black. I didn't want to be angry, but I didn't want to change because it protected me so efficiently from being hurt again by anyone but myself. I liked being numb and angry and bitchy.
Then one day after meaningless capades and "dating" I found Shawn. Just by happenstance, even though we have now discovered we know many of the same people. He was my friend. He was the only person in my life that made me feel like I wasn't alone. He made me feel safe and I allowed him into my life. One day he kissed me. I didn't want to like it but I did. And it scared me so much. I couldn't have this again. No no no! No love. Love, once the meaning of my life, was the enemy. I told him to slow down and be easy on me. But in the meantime, I allowed myself to open up to him. I sat on my countertop and told him everything, crying and looking quietly weak the whole time. I expected him to call me a crazy bitch and leave my apartment, never to come back again. Instead, he got me a tissue and held me, telling me he had the same feelings and that if I didn't like him like he liked me that it was ok and that he still wanted to be good friends with me and hang out all the time. Right then I felt my safe feeling flood me once again and I knew he was a safe place in addition to a prototype of the perfect best friend for me.
In the weeks following, something strange happened. We were still hanging out and then one day he was hanging out with my best friend at the time and I, and he got out of the car. I looked at her a certain way and she told me, "You like him. How could you not?! He's so adorable, especially with you." That was all the outside opinion I needed. I could rationalize it inside my head but once someone saw how obviously perfect it was, I could no longer pretend not to feel for him. I texted him that I think I was starting to like him and all he had to say back to me was Really? and one of the biggest smiles I've ever seen from a human. It was beautiful. I kissed him on the cheek before leaving him that night not too long after I had told him how I felt. Those events sparked the change in me. The narrative that has been running in my head the last 7 months I've been with him is winding. It weaves itself around art I've made, chemicals I've tried, love we've made and the true meaning of love and happiness. It's a journey that is just getting better and more exciting for me. Moments in my mind stand out more, and I'll write and make art that reflects those. Like after the first time we made love and stayed up all night running around the city doing fun things together. I remember how beautiful he looked and how crazily in love I fell with him that night and every night since. My life is beautiful. He has made me happy again. I know no anger. I know no wrong except broken laws that harm no one. I know no tears but those of happiness that is flooding my heart. I wear flowers in my hair. I am feminine and bright and warm. I am just beautiful and whole. And everything's better just because we are together.